Saturday, September 1, 2012


Im still here.
It has been 6 months.
Where are you?
You see, my heart used to be whole.
But then she left.
And a hole appeared.
I went insane for a while.
Looking to fill the gap.
It was excruciating.
To say its painful is an understatement.
A hollowed soul is the worst.
You feel the pain but theres no way to patch it.
Maybe time will fill the gap.
Weeks maybe, months, years.
Or eons.
I have never felt whats its like to die.
But im pretty sure this feels like half of it.
i kept begging for death.
so i could run away to my dreams.
Where im always happy.
Most of the time.
But here i am still.
Waiting for you.
To fill the gap, silly.
I dont even know why i wait.
I just want to feel whats its like to be whole again.
To have a friend that i can tell my feelings.
That i can take anywhere in my shenanigans.
A partner in crime.
And most importantly, in love.
I missed that feeling.
To be alone, just makes it worse.
And all my friends are leaving.
Im back being alone again.
Before this, I never cared about them leaving me.
Because i have you.
It doesnt matter if the world crumbles.
I still have you.
A friend.
And a lover.
But now, i can only look at the mirror.
Smiling back and consoling myself.
That it will be alright again.
I know it will.
Because you will come.
Im waiting in case you wanted to know.
Just knock ok?

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I think therefore i am.

I think im gonna write some normal stuff from now on. No more vague stuff. But then, who reads my blog anyway. But it wouldnt hurt to try. Hurt. Yes, so painful.

N i can blog from my phone now. Maybe i could blog more frequently. But then, who reads my blog anyway. Hahahaha.

I sound like a psycho but truthfully i am not. I just see things differently. But then, you dont care either.

So long.

Separation anxiety

Bell, i think i like you. Will you be with me and never leave? Like the others did?

Bell, i'd give all that i can. But will you leave in the end? Like the others did?

Bell, i'd with you as long as you need me. But will you leave me when u dont need me anymore? Like the others did?

Bell, i will never leave unless you leave me first. But will you leave me for real? Like the others did?

Bell, i'd go everywhere with you and share evrything. But will you still leave me? Like the others did?

Bell, i'd open my heart and share all the pain that you have and comfort you. But will you leave me when it all ends? Like the others did?

Bell, im not a murderer and i will never murder you. But will you leave me too? Like the others did?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

pain is subjective

Pain, evryone will eventually feel it. But which pain? Pain can be categorized into 2. Physical pain and psychological pain. Physical pain, is usually inflicted hurt yourself. There is physical contact, with a subject that you can see, feel. You sliced your hand with a knife, hello physical pain. You crashed into a lorry, hello severe physical pain. Your skin may disintegrate, leading to a wound. You can feel the pain, its agonizing, its painful and worse of all, it will always leave a scar. But then, maybe in 3 days, months or years, the pain is gone. You can look back at the scar but there is no pain. The worst of it all is psychological pain. You cant see it, but it hurts. Its agonizing, its painful but it wont go away. You see your woman cheat on you, your body wont feel anything, but the soul feels it. And you will remember it evryday, until the day you die. You can never look at the scar, but its always there, never needing you to remind about it. And evrything about your woman, even her face will remind you of it. Every single second. Eternal suffering. How do you wake up from such a nightmare? How do let go of something that can only be detached from you by death? Do you wait? Will you wake up? Or will you suffer eternal torment? Choices oh choices..

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

a slap on the face (to wake me up)

1400 years ago, Allah decreed that Muhammad SAW is given to mankind as a gift. rahmatan lil a'lamin. and through gabriel did Allah gave us muslims orders to be practiced. and when all the orders are completed, Allah decreed that Muhammad SAW is taken back to Him, at the age 63. it was a sign. a sign that this is the last straw. Muhammad SAW was the last line of prophets and his ummah is the last line of ummah. from hereafter, it was the end. there is no more future. only the end. and Muhammad SAW was sent to prepare his ummah for the end.

therefore, after the taking over of Muhammad SAW, towards the end, there will be no prophet. and the job of Muhammad SAW was entrusted with his ummah. and so, a few of them took this job on their shoulders. it looked easy but it was the hardest to execute. it is easier to arrive on time to see a movie at a theater than to do this job, as some would say.

the job was just going door to door of our brothers and invite him to engage in the obeying of Allah's will. and by Allah's will, those who heed the call, will come and engage in the congegration of prayers (usually isya'). all powerful Allah gives to those He wants.

but then, after working, we were led to believe that this job is done only to invite people in the congegration of prayer. as in, to make the mosque full of people.

and then Ramadhan came.

it was a blow, a devastating blow to some because during Ramadhan, the mosque were full! and that led some of us to believe that the job is done. Allah has finally granted rest during Ramadhan.


the truth is far from that. It was a huge, big slap in the face to us that Allah is almighty, allpowerful and HE DOES NOT NEED ANYONE TO DO HIS WILL. His will is absolute. by just saying "kun", Allah could fill the mosque. and better yet, it was a sign that Allah does not need anyone to invite muslims to prayer. DOES NOT NEED ANYONE to walk and meet his brothers, telling him to come.

and that was the wake up call.

that the job entrusted on us was not to invite. it was an order. an unexcusable order. just an order that must be seen through by all muslims. just like how Muhammad SAW was made to do the same job. to meet his brothers and invite him to engage in the obeying of Allah's will.

what does that teach us?

that the job that was entrusted in us is not for those who we meet. IT WAS FOR US AND IT WAS AN ORDER THAT ALLAH WANTS US TO FULFILL. if we will it to see our brothers to come and engage in the congegration of prayers, Allah DOES NOT NEED us. Allah just need to give the month of Ramadhan and virtually every mosques will be full, everywhere in the world.

think again. be honest in evrything we do. and never stop doing it. just like Muhammad SAW did. until the day he died.